Oh, HSBC! by Vistasp Hodiwala

Oh HSBC, you mammoth, faceless, towering entity, I have a story to tell.
It’s funny and it’s true but the joke is on me and you’ve got me under your spell.

Five months it’s been, you came crawling to me, trying to sell me your card,
Like a babbling infant, I fell for your tripe and bloody well let down my guard.

Oh HSBC, you devious devil, I became your Platinum fool,
And just when I thought, I’ve got something good, you refused to play by the rule.

So five months down, I feel like a prince, thinking I have credit galore,
Little did I know of your intricate designs and what I had waiting in store.

Profligacy being my wanton middle name, I go on and bust 40 grand,
On a holiday plan, that will break down this sum, through installments I can understand.

12 months I am told, so I don’t feel the pinch and merrily I walk through the door,
With visions of Manali or Mauritius I forget, though the wife is skeptical to the core.

And then it began, like all nightmares do, with nary a hint, or a notice,
As polite and civil voices cooed in my ear, there emerged a tale with a twist.

Subhash and Rohit and Anita and Jessie, oh all they could do was purr and whisper,
Gently, I am told, my card has not been loaded with an installment facility, oh dear!

Worried silly and desperate, I ask, you actually mean that facility has to be loaded?
Oh yes Sir, of course Sir, We will just have to check Sir, if our department can be persuaded!

What do you mean? I yell and I fret, and what kind of absurdity is that?
Oh that’s the way it is Sir, we are sorry about it Sir, we are so sorry to put you on the mat.

But I am Platinum man, and I have all the rights, so how dare you leave me so clueless?
We are trying our best Sir, give us a few days Sir, you see this query has put us in a mess.

But we will sort this, we will get back, and we will not leave you stranded,
And before you know it Sir, your problems will be sorted.

A few days, a fortnight, I am thinking, I am waiting, C’mon HSBC, now show me your stuff,
Then I blink, I call, I hold, I curse, and I think enough is enough.

I am shouting, I am shaking, and my fists I am waving to an invisible monster in the air,
How badly I judged when I signed up for this, though the helpline still pretends to care.

Oh Glorious Bank, oh worthy Corporate, so what makes you slip so unworthily?
How come you decide on my behalf and yours and then forget to inform me so summarily?

Oh mighty Moneybags, oh the World’s Local genius, now is your time to come clean,
Do let me know, under what clause and chapter can you decide these things on your whim?

A credit card with no installment facility my friends, is not my idea of a card
But if you still don’t get it, take mine and lump it, for I cannot for once, believe your canard.

By Vistasp Hodiwala


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