The migraine attack had been going on for over a week. Nothing I did or did not do seemed to set it right. I was desperate-real desperate. If somebody had told me that walking naked ,upside down on my head to a shrine in the Himalayas would get rid of the monster I would have tried that too.
And then they told me about this alternate medicine doctor/healer
I had already been through all the lotions, potions, hot water inhalations, pills and motions prescribed for migraine. Tried every allopathic cure. Had massages galore, drank gallons of water BLAH BLAH. The kaleidoscope of bursting lights dancing in front of my migraine infected brain prevented me from squinting through any of the new age self help books prescribing cures for this malady, and partly influenced by Deepak Chopra’s recent writings on the after life etc etc I decided to give this alternate medicine doctor a try.
“He’s a magician. A super technician. Hypnosis, psychotherapy, ayurveda, homeopathy, past life regression, present life aversion-hes got it all figured out- I was told. So I go
“Okay magician. Here I come. Wave your magic wand on me”
The board on his front door announces him modestly to be a
‘Consulting Homeopath’. I reassure myself that I am doing the right thing as I step gingerly into his clinic.
”Faith-a Faith-a Faith-you gotta have faith a- faith-a- faith!-I hum to myself ala George Michael.
He stares at me from across the table with intense blazing eyes. I can hear the sound of children playing next door. He sticks he head out of the window and bellows-“BE QUIET!”
So now the only sound I can hear is the rattling of the airconditioner and the ‘tup tup” sound of the water leaking out of the old cooling machine to form a little puddle on the dark grey mosaic floor. This and the sound of my migraine infested agitated breathing.
“Sit down Sit down” he gestures with his hand as I let myself sink into the musty smelling fake leather upholstered reclining arm chair. Its a bit creaky, not too comfortable but i sit.
“So what is the problem?”-he asks
“my problem is doctor that I have this terrible miserable headache that just will not go away”
“how long have you had it?
“More than a week now doc” I mumble as the monsters continue to hammer on the inner walls of my brain “I feel like somebody is squeezing my temples hard with a large metallic wrench and my brain is collapsing into itself…”
“Hmnnnn” says the doctor and rises. He is now waving his arms frantically over and around me in what looks like a badly choreographed martial arts dance, or a man having a mild epileptic seizure.
“Huhn!” I gasp in alarm
“Relax.Nothing to worry.This is Reiki. You Know Reiki? I can feel the negative energy surrounding you. You are under a malicious attack”
“Attack?What attack? Whose attack? I don’t understand….Yes its a migraine attack, I’ve had it before but never so bad”
“sshhhh…..(some more arm waving and martial arts & then)
“There its gone. You are feeling better now”
“No doc I don’t feel better. Infact this action really startled me & now it’s not only my head but my heart that is hammering too”
“No No-Just relax.I can feel it. Your are feeling better. So tell me your problems”
He tells me I should recline further back into his musty smelling couch so I am almost lying down. I obey.
“My problem is doctor that my head feels like its being crushed by a giant rotating boulder and all this churning is making me nauseous too. My brain feels so hot I think its soon going to evaporate”
“No –tell me your real problems” At this moment he begins to lightly tap my face, round the eyes, on the temples…
“tell me about your mother”-tap tap tap
“problems with your father then”- tap tap tap
“any brothers and sisters? –tap tap tap tap
“any childhood problems? Maybe you suffered from lack of love-huh?” the taps are getting harder now & its bothering me
“no doc-I have problems like everybody else, but they are too trivial, and I get along really well with my family so this has nothing to do with that!”
“man trouble then?”
“any problems with sexual intercourse?’
the taps are turning into slaps now & I wince and try to push his hands away
“Aah! so did he beat you then? Try to recollect. Come on, try hard” slap slap slap
“No doc.Ouch! This is hurting me!”
He’s thumping my chest and my abdomen and my sides now
“do you know how to masturbate?”
Ooooops! This is getting really weird and I try to raise myself up. I don’t think I can take it any more. I’m getting a crick in my neck now from the badly designed chair and my teeth are beginning to rattle with the cold blast of the air conditioner. But still under my breath i sing
”Faith a Faith a Faith-you gotta have Faith a Faith a Faith”
“Don’t Sing! Just REELLAAAXXX!!” he thunders
“But I sing to relax”
“Shhsshhh… Be Serious. REEEEELLAAAAAAAX. You are on the right path!”
I am trying to force myself to go through with this but am feeling so tired now I’m almost comatose. I close my eyes and surrender to the thunderous explosions in my brain. Taking that as a sign of deep relaxation he announces
“You are ready! Now I will regress you”
“Regress me?!! I’m sorry I don’t understand doc”
“Yes I will regress you and take you into your past life. Dont worry. I have tried it successfully on 100’s of my patients. No complaints. Once I am finished, forget this life, you will not get any headaches in your next life also. Of course if you’re really lucky this could be your last life and you would be free”
“But doc. I’m not sure I believe in this past life stuff. Surely we all have enough problems to deal with in this life time. Why go into this past life thing? I mean… what if I discover that I was a really bad person who did many wrong and bad things? What if I was actually not a human being at all but an antelope who was eaten by a scavenging eagle in the hot Sahara dessert? Or maybe I was Marilyn Monroe…or worse what if I discover that I was my Grand Uncles mistress who was actually a prostitute who ran away with the family jewels to give her…”
“Ha Ha Ha. You are a clever girl. You crack funny jokes. You will discover what you want to discover and what you believe or disbelieve is upto you. That my friend is the power of the human mind”
‘Faith a Faith a Faith-you gotta have Faith a Faith a faith”
So I’m lying there on the couch. He orders me to keep my eyes fixed on a light bulb on the ceiling.I don’t realize I’ve started humming again till I hear him snap his fingers-the sound is so loud it sounds like the ominous crack of an angry lashing whip
“I told you don’t sing! Just reeelaaaax. Even I know that fellow. Goerge Michael. The girls in my class were crazy about him. Then they found out he was a homo. Poor chap! I’m sure past life therapy would work on him….
“DON’T MOVE YOUR EYES FROM THE CEILING & COUNT WITH ME AND REMEMBER EVERYTIME I SNAP MY FINGERS YOU HAVE TO GO ONE NUMBER BACK –SO IF I SNAP MY FINGER AT 46 YOU HAVE TO START COUNTING BACKWARDS FROM 47 AGAIN!”
“47,46,….. 35(SNAP!)36, 35…. 9,(SNAP!)10, 9,8 ….1”
I go through the motions but the head is really bad now, this slapping and tapping and snapping has made it worse. Mercifully I get through the counting without too many mistakes and doc looks pleased.
I am almost passing out while he proceeds to read a badly written grammatically incorrect script from some worn pieces of paper. This goes on for what seems like ever. I am not really listening anymore –too tired,j ust too tired. This headache is wearing me down.& then I hear his voice
“YOU ARE NOW A FOETUS”
Uhh? Did I hear him correctly?
“YES YOU ARE NOW A FOETUS. JUST RREEELLLAAAAX. YOU ARE NOW A FOETUS”
“Commom doc. I haven’t gone anywhere. I’m not even a teenager yet let alone being a foetus!”
“YES YES.YOU ARE NOW A FOETUS AND I AM GOING TO REGRESS YOU FURTHER…WE WILL NOW GO INTO YOUR PAST LIFE. STAY WITH ME. WORK WITH ME!”
“SSHHHHH!!!! Just reeellaaaax! YOU ARE NOW A FOETUS AND I AM GOING TO TAKE YOU DEEPER AND DEEPER”
Something is brewing in my stomach . I think it’s a cramp and place my hand on my belly. I’m starting to smile –but I’m not sure where its coming from
“DON’T SMILE. DON’T MOVE. JUST REELLLAXXX”
The feeling is moving upwards from my belly .What I thought was a gas cramp are actually bubbles of laughter. They come out tentatively at first. I let out a few giggles
“DON’T LAUGH! REELLLAAAX! YOU ARE NOW A FOETUS”
The bubbles are exploding through me now, filling my entire being, coursing through my head, no longer muffled and tentative but bold and free. I start to laugh aloud & soon I am laughing so hard I am clutching my stomach and guffawing into the doctors face. I fall to my knees laughing laughing laughing. Tears roll down my cheeks.
“STOP LAUGHING.. CONTROL YOURSELF! PLEASE SIT DOWN…
“Because I AM NOW A FOETUS..” I complete the sentence for him, and the surprise on his face makes me laugh even harder. I laugh all the way to the car and through the ride home. My driver looks a bit afraid and hesitantly asks
“Madam aap theek tho hain naa? (madam are you allright?)
‘Aapka sardard theek ho gaya? (has your headache gone?)”
“Yeh foetus foetus kya bol rahe hain?Main kuch samjha nahin. Town mein hai kya?
(why are you saying foetus foetus…I don’t understand. Is it a place downtown?)
I assure my driver that I’ve never felt better, still laughing. My sides are hurting with all the laughing but my head feels light and clear
People on the road are staring at me from their cars and at the traffic signals . Some of them are wondering if I’m okay.I give them an ebullient thumbs up.I empty out my wallet to the beggars and street kids on the way home. Some of them stare at me silently while some join me at the signal and laugh with me, pressing their noses on my window
“Kya hua didi? Aap itna kyon has rahe hai?
(what happened big sister? Why are you laughing so much?)
“Bas. Mazaa aa gaya. Main foetus ban gayi!”
(nothing happened really. I just had some fun and… I am now a foetus!!!!)