The yin yang balance

This post is provoked by the fact that I am constantly asked if i have a boyfriend or a man in my life or i have met somebody exciting. By my friends, my family, the media and everybody else and their uncle-I am getting so paranoid and annoyed about being asked this question that yesterday I was convinced my dogs cupcake and muffin were asking me the question too as was the parrot that perched on my window sill! No No No! Stop! Stop! Stop! i wanted to scream but decided to blog instead :-)))

Is it compulsory to seek comanionship of the opposite gender? Since I am always seen around town in the company of my girlfriends ,a while ago a journalist had the gall to ask me if i was lesbian which is why i am not interested in men.
Dont you feel attracted to people you meet? You meet so many people in your lines of work…” I’m asked over and over again-
“Ofcourse i do-so? Attraction is a biological impulse-a chemical reaction. Acting on it is a choice of the human mind”
“Dont you feel lonely?…
“who has the time to feel lonely?”
“surely you want to fall in love again?
“Ofcourse i do, but for that i have to figure out what love is and what love means before that ever hapens again”
“you’ve become cynical”
“no I’ve become practical. Its a survival skill”

“What are the qualities you look for in a man?”
“Everything that is lacking in me!”

That much is true. Because the fact of the matter is that I am emotionally attracted to all the things that are  unabashedely and unapolegetically male… -or atleast my notion of male. My shadow self as i like to call it. The other face of the coin. I love all things  macho and cunning and bold and hard and self absorbed and fiercely driven.. Qualities i am enticed and seduced by -but only as an observer. Like a scientist observing a specimen in a laboratory-there is so much to learn. But would one bring a laboratory rat home? Nah Nah

Because  what i am attracted to and what i seek in real life are different. In real life I   would want  someone kind, gentle, compassionate and most of all honest.

My friends laugh at me. Tell me that I am actually looking for a girlfriend with a penis and i should get real. Men are just not like that.

They are probably right.  But I only think of these things under the pressure of  questions by the nosey parkers in the outside world. Most other times I am just too busy. I also  think i am perfectly  capable of looking after myself and my daughter. Who wants someone to come and mess up your head again? I can be my own man…

Remember the scene from the movie-The first wives club? A bunch of supposedly wronged helpless women sitting around consoling themselves and telling each other that the way out of the situation and to survive in life  is to “Be the man” I saw the film after ages and it rung so true

Then the other day i met a friend of mine  after a longish while-i used to call him ‘machoman’  in jest because he, this friend of mine  was so whatchmacallit -male. Or atleast my definition of male. But i was surprised to see that he had changed so much. He  seemed softer, gentler,  the agressive edge had blunted  “are you okay” i asked- “business not doing good? “I’m trying to develop the woman side of me” he said. He wanted to quit his trade and get into something more gentle ,creative, give back to society blah blah. Coming from him it was a shocker…

He told me i seemed different to him too “you seem to have got more agressive and edgy-the softness is missing” he said dissapointedly “you dont seem so girlie anymore. Whats the matter?”

The world is a changing we both agreed

And this got me thinking all over again. So what defines a male and female?

Does being a woman  mean soft and yielding? Dumb and docile? Homely and adjusting? Were these not survival skills imbibed over a period of time-where women stayed home or inside the cave,  menstruated, had babies and waited for the men to bring the food home? ? Do these skills work in todays times? What are the charecteristics she needs to develop to survive in todays world? Who is going to tell her what is the right and practial way to be?

And on the other hand what is a man supposed to do or be like? Fierce and protective? Hard and go getting? Ruthless and aggressive? Like from the times when he had to go out of his cave and fight other beasts to bring his family some food. What he did outside the cave was never questioned-it was too dark in the cave and the women never stepped into the light. Too dangerous you see. They stayed in and chatted with the other women and fed the babies

The worlds of the men and women were clearly demarcated.
They have been erased now -but only metaphorically. Because in truth, all of us-male and female-collectively carry the consciousness and burden of all those earleir years -when our emotional climate was determined by geography and nature and old age science .  Our physical and scientific enviornment today is completely different -but our emotional selves are still grappling with the change at an almost primordial level.

I have girl friends my age wo are still single, deliriuosly absorbed in rich succesful careers all over the world, not necessarily looking for love. What is love they ask- If love is self fulfilment surely it cannot come from anybody but themselves.  They have realized that they themselves are probably the best thing that ever happened to them… and so they end up spending holdays by themsleves, bingeing on pizza and watching romantic movies on TV all alone or with their girlfriends.  Men are just not comfortable around their success and independance they say. So better to keep them away. “I want kids too but I cant be the kind of woman he wants me to be-so he goes”

While on the other hand I have male friends who are looking to find the perfect mate-after they are done with sowing the wild seed-someone they can start a family and have kids with. They are also very clear that while they are happy with taking paternity leave as the new age man is likely to do as and when the kids come along-its obvious that the woman will have to be the primary care giver while he goes out and works and is the provider. Isnt that what men are supposed to do?
“but what if the woman is earning more than you and it makes more sense for you  to chuck up your job ?”
That notion is totally repulsive to them-such women do not enter their lives-except for a casual affair or a one night stand. So he ends up drinking beer with his male friends  and probably watching porn – Or dates   women who do not threaten his fragile notion of his own masculinity.

And so the battle between the sexes rages on. One is trying to grab power for themselves and the other reluctant to relinquish his…  Will the twain ever meet?… except within ourselves perhaps?

I discuss this with my friends often.  Male and female. And i have reached the conclusion that we are all equally confused. Nobody knows what they are supposed to be like or think like or behave like any more. Our notions of masculinity and feminity need to be redefined in a way that works for both of us,concurrent with todays times

I also think the day we discover a way to balance the yin and yang in ourselves all need, dependance and friction will cease. And the need for each other will diminish all together.

We will be a planet of like minded hermophrodites. And then… how boring would that be… where would the conflicts and great dramatic stories come from?

So just for now, forget all this ying yang balance.  I’m going to revel in being a woman all over again… I’m going to have a good pms cry, call up my father to help organize my life for me and go binge on pizza chocolate and banana chips

Bella Ciao my dears. Until my next

81 thoughts on “The yin yang balance”

  1. H Pillai

    Well the times are a changing as suchitra hersef said

    its shocking that you should compare your mothers widowhood to a woman wilfully choosing to lead a single life. SInce you are commenting on this blog obviously you are a grown person-man or woman i dont know and probably grew up 20 or 25 years ago when the world was very different.
    Women earlier never spoke up-not even when they were forced to commit Sati!

    Thank god for woman like suchitra who talk about these things in an upfront an honest manner and in a way thats inspirational to other women. Celebrity or not if someone makes sense and is fearless in their thought they should be applauded.

    i suggest you join some weeping widows blog or silent spectator blog. This place is perhaps not your cup of tea

  2. Hello to all,

    Just a reminder to all of us that ridiculing each other is not a sign of maturity. Let us express ourselves with compassion … it goes a long way…

    Let us turn this into a wonderful opportunity to learn about ourselves…

    ~with love and light~

  3. Hi Suchira. i read ur book and felt really nice…am waiting for ur next book..thanks

  4. Its quite amuzing here that some people sound like as if they are Suchitra’s “Personal Bloggy Guards”
    who keep banging others opinions which are not in congruence with her opinions. They even sound like the “Gate Keepers” for this blog where any opinion that sounds bitter is tattered that too at a personal level.

    I think this blog is a platform where an invidual blogger is having a personal dialogue with Suchitra on her personal ideas,views and experiences of life. Suchitra presents a paricular issue and different people respond with different views based upon their own individual understanding of life. Ultimately, its Suchitra who is going thru what others has to say in relation to her posts.Why the hell in the world
    do some people react as if they are her personal bodyguards?

    Bernard Shah,

    Since, you’ve posted your comments which are an absolute crap, I thought of responding to you directly. Your great understanding of my posts is a tribute to your head which is not on your neck.
    I think I’ve already clarified that this is a ‘Face-Less’ blog where age,gender,profession and scholastic qualifications are all unknown. In that sense its futile to speak subtle science with minions like you.
    I’m sorry buddy, I’m helpless. It seems you derive at conclusions with out reading the whole post and the true meaning of the post.

  5. Nisha and all,
    I was refering to very strong women whom I know in my life. I was not knowing that this is a platform for new type of feminists who are very weak! To explain my point – my mother, whom I know, is still way ahead of her time and I am pretty sure that your kind of neo-feminists won’t understand them and will not be interested in their lifes. In my view, it is not silly pep talks that make you a good feminist. I think, I chose the wrong platform and unless it is proven otherwise with quality posts, I prefer not to comment anymore here!

  6. Dear Pillaiji,

    Well Said! This blog is a ‘Virtual Pub’ where ‘most of the silly kids’ keep airing what ever ‘@#$%^&?’ got in their heads without understanding the core of the issue. I think its better that mature and grownups keep away from this confused junk.

  7. The other point is if the essense of this is blog is to say ‘Hey Suchitra! Whatever you say is right! You are great! My sympathies for you! You look so beautiful! When are you going to sing? etc., then, whats the point in being here where any deviant opinion is not welcomed or accepted by most of the bloggers. I think Suchitra needs to clarify her stance here.

  8. dear h pillai

    you are not doing anybody a favour by commenting on this blog & if u have a problem with anybody and everybody who tells you that your mother is not the greatest soul and female martry that ever lived….and that there are different points of view and sorry that nobody had the slighest interest in what your poor suffering hard working mother thought about the world,-unlike what suchitra is posting on her blog. what can i say?
    we are all entitled to our views and to go where we want to go in life. All the best

  9. Asray

    its better that jeuveniles like you keep away from this confused junk.
    Why do you want to add your filth to it-especially because nobody is interested in what you have to say?
    You want to insult or put people down target your mother in law-people come to blogs such as this to have mature discussions. Not to listen to frustros like you

  10. Asray

    Nobody is trying to praise anybody or give out platitudes. wE are not children looking to be fed lollipops. Suchitra from the way she writes weems to be the last person to seek that

    But it seems to me that you are desperate to attract attention to yourself by writing nonsense. Get a life-the world will be a better place

  11. Its quite amuzing here that some people sound like as if they are Suchitra’s “Personal Bloggy Guards”

    You mean body gaurds dont you Asray? i hope so

  12. Nisha baby,

    Who requires your attention? I’ve already said I was having a dialogue with Suchitra from a different context. I did not seek your or anybody’s ears or head for what I’ve said. You better stop sounding like a filthy lunatic!

  13. No, its ‘Bloggy Guards’. Caretakers of Suchitras views and opinions which are to be nodded in tandem with out any deviation.

    Sorry Dear. I was rash in calling you a lunatic. Please don’t take it heart. See U. Wish you’ll forgive me.

  14. Dear Nisha,

    I wish you accept the following lines with an open heart and mind. I’m not attempting to sound like a Pope from Vatican. Life is so short and I don’t think we are here to torture one another with venomous words. I’ve observed so many times on this blog when someone comes up with a unique or contrasting point of view in relation with Suchitra’s post, some one outrightly plunges and condemns with out understanding the ‘context’ from which the person replies.

    I wish you welcome the fact that the world would have been so dull and uninteresting had we all been thinking and feeling alike. Let me speak from the core of my heart…I never tried to capture anybody’s attention here except that of Suchitra. All I tried was to address her problem from a ‘context’ to which I was a spectator as well as an experiencer. Same is the case with Mr.Pillai I suppose. Its not good for you to be so harsh with him and especially your comments on her mother.

    I wish from now on… we keep our tempers under control and maintain a healthy rapport here by respecting every point of view…what ever flavour or fragrance it may be quoted with!

    With Love…

  15. once you join a blog it is free for all.nobody is suchitra’s blogguards
    and no entrant is a bulldozer.civility comes often from breeding and
    sometimes from khandaan! asraya seems to be lacking in both, behaving
    like an illbred brat.It takes all sorts of people to make this world.This is
    one such specimen.I am not impressed by your scholarship or quotations.
    Education should teach the fundamental lesson of humility,disproportionate
    heads look comical to others!It is a symptom of frustration!
    I have read the contributions from others which are in a different class
    but this one is notable for its volume and hollowness!
    I can’t stoop to the same level in reply.I can only pity the educated ignorance!
    Best wishes suchitraji on your moving to a new abode.
    May god give you the desired peace and prosperity!

  16. Bernard,

    Kid! I doubt if you look at yourself in the mirror. Do check next time if you have a head.

    Bloody Heck! Time and again I’ve clarified I’m not addressing anybody else here except Suchitra. Why do you keep intruding like a frustrated bug hungry for blood? Silly Fellow! Who wants your acceptance or impression. Did I ask you to read my posts and sought your reply? And you keep speaking as if you are a Jesus Christ-2009. You better shut your mouth and keep quiet. You may be a great fan of Suchitra…but don’t act like ‘@#$%^&%’. You bloody nagging bugger!

  17. If you are so well educated and world’s best gentleman why don’t you accept the ‘IS-NESS’ of people and keep quiet. I’ve clarified every issue so far…why do you keep jumping into conclusions with your messed up neurons stinking like gutter. It seems Suchitra has moved into her new house…may be she requirs a maid servant and a caretaker. I think you are the most suitable person to take up the job.

  18. i am not willing to give up a sixdigit annual income and take up
    a maidservant’s or caretaker’s assignment.

  19. i am not willing to give up a sixdigit annual income and take up
    a maidservant’s or caretaker’s assignment.
    any other suggestion?

  20. The World Culture!

    “Master Kung”: K’ung Fu-tzu, or in Latin form, Confucius (551BC), had one overwhelming message: if we are to achieve a state of orderliness and peace, we need to return to traditional values of virtue (on the concept of jen : “humaneness,” “humanity,” “benevolence,” )

    Mencius (372-289 B.C.) added the dimension of “righteousness,” or “duty.”, which bordered on the “social contract.”

    Early Han dynasty (207 B.C.-9 A.D.) ruthlessly made it a capital crime to speak of Confucius, Lao Tzu, or Mo Tzu, and infused that Yin-yang (the universe is run by a single principle, the Tao, or Great Ultimate.. this principle is divided into two opposite forces or principles which oppose one another in their actions) and the five agents (wood-fire-earth-metal-water, in this order by which they produce one another or get conquered) are a universal explanatory principle of phenomena… And one can use the stars to determine what kind of policy to pursue in government, for instance… (???)

    Each of the opposites produces the other, so that no one principle continually dominates the other or determines the other.

    This cyclical nature of yin and yang, the opposing forces of change in the universe, mean: First, that all phenomena change into their opposites in an eternal cycle of reversal. Second, since the one principle produces the other, all phenomena have within them the seeds of their opposite state, that is, wealth contains the seeds of poverty, etc. Third, even though an opposite may not be seen to be present, no phenomenon is completely devoid of its opposite state.

    One is never really healthy since health contains the principle of its opposite, sickness!! This is called “presence in absence.”

    In the Sung dynasty (960-1279), Confucianism again became a powerful force of thought in what is generally called the Sung Confucian Revival, primarily concerned with ethics rather than abstract religious or metaphysical speculation

    “The School of Mind”, founded by Ch’eng Hao (1032-1085), emphasized that the human mind is completely unified and reflects perfectly in itself the principle of the universe.

    May the philosophers here turn to Confucian Jen or “Zen”leaving Yin-Yang and be with the Universal Mind or the Ultimate Principle?

    All conflicts above get resolved easily then.

  21. Asray

    You should relax a little bit. If Suchitra required a maid servant I am sure she will post it on her blog or better still contact you personally

  22. H Pillai

    I think Nisha’s comments on your mothers situation is uncalled for. I agree that she sounds a bit like SUchitra’s bloggyguard even though I’m not impressed at all by all of asrays comments.
    Blood semen saints warriors! Nonsense!

  23. Trilok,

    Thanks. A little truth for you. As vision is for the eye, sound for the ear, smell for the nose, taste for the tongue, touch for the skin, sense is for………?????

    I wish you ‘think not’ with the reverse end of your anatomy.

  24. Regarding her requirement for a maid servant and her subsequent plan of personally contacting me, don’t worry kid! Seems you are envying me. Some how I can’t bear other’s envy. I’ll recommend your name. Happy!!!??? Good Luck! Sweet Dreams!

  25. Hello to all,

    Let’s focus on the “self” and be responsible for what we put out into the universe. Isn’t it meaningful to engage… when engaging is thoughtful, respectful, and encouraging. Everyone listens then.

    ~with love and light~

  26. It’s Yin and Yang, but that’s cool. You’re famous and I’m not 🙂

    Good luck sorting stuff out, I’m sure you’re strong and can get through the ol’ toughies.

  27. Very thoughtful

    Try to find abour Shiva-Shakti …

    We just completed watching all 42 DVDs of O N S … and trying to find further …

    Life is a search for the self, soul …

  28. How seldom do I have the honor of quality reading content with which I agree. This excellent article has given me reason to pause and take many factors into consideration.

  29. Hello! I’ve been following your blog for a whilst now and lastly got the courage to go ahead and give you a shout out from Kingwood Texas! Just wanted to mention keep up the excellent work!

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *