The boy girl thing

Can a girl and a boy be good friends without sex coming in the way every now and then? I used to think it was possible and had some great buddies-male. Hung out with them, shared secrets with them and chatted into the night like i did with my girlfriends…

But recently something changed. and now I’m confused all over again.

Like with this great friend of mine-lets call him X- he dropped in at my studio like he has done a million times before over the years. Only this time it was different. He stood in my path, grabbed and held me and wouldnt let me go till i was almost suffocating. I tried my best to wriggle out of his grasp but could not-I pride myself on being pretty strong but my strenght that day was of no use.   Now he’s the mildest and most decent guy on this planet -as I’ve known him over the years ,but still i found myself afraid and shocked that day.

Later after the madness of the moment had passed we discussed it. He told me he could not help the way he felt about me and was very attracted to me. I told him I’m not and he should respect that. That i felt betrayed by a friend I’ve known for fifteen years turning on me like that. Nothing had changed except the fact that I was now single… and I was aghast that he saw me differently all of a sudden. Would he have dared to do that while i was still married or had a man’s name attached to me? So what was the great friendship we talked and chatted about over the years? Was it just sex waiting to happen from his side? Now we dont talk or meet each other any more. I miss my friend and i want my friendship back… but… C’est la vie

The other day at Holi-I was dancing. A husband of a friend of mine whispered into my ear “Are you trying to turn me on?” Now he’s an ugly toad and i was shocked at his gall and his ludicrous outdated notion that a woman dancing by herself is doing it for reasons other than the sheer fun and freedom of it. But i kept dancing anyway- I was enjoying myself way too much and his wife is a sweetie so i could forgive him his nonsense. If he was getting turned on it was his problem-nothing to do with me or my behaviour.

Many of my girlfriends have told me similar things. Of boys they considered buddies and good friends suddenly turning on them, hitting on them, sending them horny suggestive sms’s out of the blue and then pretending nothing has happened the next time they meet. I’m not talking about it happening in the work place-that is something different alltogether  . This is with friends one has known and trusted for a long period of time

I refuse to beleive in the chiche that all men think of sex most of the time and having it is only a matter of opportunity. Its as incongrous as saying all women  love jewelry… or it it?

48 thoughts on “The boy girl thing”

  1. Friendship between a man and a woman is possible. But only when they have got sex out of the way or they are with other partners.
    Its how most men think-if not all men.
    Though i can understand that you feel betrayed by a friend
    you are an attractive and vulnerable girl and should be more careful

  2. Most men are like that.Very few are decent.It is your being single and your easy
    affability that has emboldened the ‘friend’ to lay hands on you thinking you
    would be easy prey.You should have slapped him on the spot.Drop him like a hot
    potato and don’t resume the camaradarie.Missing him is a conditioned reflex.
    The other holi episode shows the lack of respect for you in the ugly guy.He should
    also be shunned for ever.
    Genuine love has an element of respect attached to it.
    All the rest are sham and vulgar.
    Take more care and caution your other friends about these lotharios.

  3. Men are territorial by nature. Somewhere they still have the nomadic cave instinct and the warrior spirit left in them no matter how educated or civilized they might be. They need to own or possess something and mark it as their territory. And they are competitive too. The minute they see any unattached single territory their immediate instinct is go for it and put their flag up and say to themselves “I’ve conquered this!” and now this is mine!…Most men measure their own self worth with how much they own in life.

    There is an unspoken rule/ethic among civilized men today that anything that is already marked by another is no long available and they mostly they respect that.

  4. Mr. Scout, what do you mean by using that word ‘availability’ with reference to the wife? Is she a commodity to be owned or “marked”by a man?In fact men should realize that he is being “bought” by the girl’s parents to be the protector of their daughters. The mangalsutra was the symbol of such protection, in the sense, it was a fence that protected the plant from stray animals.How many husbands are protecting their wives in real sense of the term? Those days are all gone and gone for ever when girls were married off without their consent.Now the girls are also equally or more educated and they also have expectations from men.They are economically independent and they can take care of themselves and they have the legal sanction of throwing him out of her life too.
    From day one, the wife should make it very clear to the husband that only when he gives respect to her, he will get it in return.They should be kept at a safe distance.They should think hundred times to even crack a cheap joke,if you are around. 99% of men have a weakness for other women even when they have the most beautiful wife.We should prove our worth of having been born a woman by our character and personality. One stare at them, they should put their heads down and feel guilty.they should not dare to think that you are ‘available’.I dont feel that he never had been your real friend that too for 15 years.He must have been waiting for your single status and tried his ‘luck’.Men in general are cheap and these days even girls are not less.Be very careful in choosing your friends.they should know how to respect a woman whether single or married.Otherwise cut off your friendship with them.you are not losing anything.You can sublimate your energy by taking up some more creative activities and if bored you can spend some quality time with your adorable daughter Kaveri.That is what majority of women in our country do.
    Don’t ever revive your friendship with this rascal and be careful in handling other rascals too.God Bless you. God Bless you.A well wisher.

  5. The whole territorial by nature thing is utter nonsense. Men are not Tigers. Women sometimes unknowingly lead men on, especially those women who tend to be very friendly.

  6. Man cant seem to think of anything but sex. The sooner the woman accepts that the better.
    Its no wonder that most women dont feel the need for men at all in their life- Its less complicated and dosent mind*%(^%(* you

  7. but still i think what you encountered with your friend is ghastly and unwarranted. i agree with vasishta-you should have slapped him on the spot and stay away from him forever. Your friendship is a habit and nothing else. Women tend to jump from one abusive relationship to another
    chose your friends carefully
    as for the horny husband of your friend-ignore them-they are a dime a dozen. A classic syndrome of an ugly man having a mid life crisis-and you being a celebrity=the toad must have got carried away

  8. Generalization always dont serve the purpose…. so generalisation is not a conclusion or solution to any issue

  9. There a a few gals who. reaaly turn on men.. But i don wanna generalise all gals r so. i wud giv an explanation to this… Wen a guy is turned on by a gal and all the XYZ happens … tat single experience induce enourmous boost in him …and he wud try on his other frnds… Of which some don reaaly complain and others come up with cool attractive good to read BLOGS… so it all starts with first gal ….IF she has a YEAH or a big NAAH

  10. Women normally have the instinct to judge the nature of a person.One look at the man women can know his intentions. Girls shoud not give undue freedom to them. They should be kept at a distance, in your own interest.Take care. Be alert.

  11. Can a girl and a boy be good friends without sex coming in the way every now and then?

    Wow! Wow ! Wow!

    Time and again this question keeps popping up until man gets totally extinct from this planet. This actually is a question born out of induced ignorance which is based on the academic texts irrevocably linked with religion which totally forbades the body and its insticts which are governed by the laws of nature.

    Now let me put a simple question…There’s every thing except man on this planet, does sin still exist?

    More on this in a few days… Suchitra, Keep Thinking !!!

    God Bless You.

  12. Sex is a very moralistic term , when it comes to men. Your comments sound very familiar to my experiences in life, so I can relate to them, and feel what you might have gone through. Men feel jubiliant when they get a woman to bed. And trust me they talk about it!! Men are seldom interested in friendship, they do not like the burden of additional responsibilities as they fear commitment. What if you commit frienship and she might call me in the middle of the night to deal with her watchman or fix the lock of her door ? How boring can that get!!

    Ya so long as you allow them to use your bed with you in it , they are okay. They actually mess it up.
    You look like a dream, so gorgeous…….I pity that jerk who thought you were trying to turn him on, its a very ego thing for men and as I said sex is a very moralistic term and you need not believe that its your fault. Its just the dirt that men carry in their heads. They don’t know any better.
    Bladdy Carpenters:))

  13. Attention Please !!!

    Dear Men & Women,

    Blame! Blame! Blame!

    This has been the name of the game between the two sexes of the same species for toooo… long. Before trying to seek the right answers, start asking yourself the right questions.

    How many of you women have ever enquired about your own total anatomy, its functions and its relationship with the mental faculties and consciousness at large? What is the relationship between sex,orgasm,creativity and energy in a female? How these things show an impact on the general female psyche, though women differ from one another a lot?

    The questions are same for men too. I do have the perfect answers. But, start researching about this subject by yourself only to find the most fascinating intellectual and spiritual voyage of your life. Yes ! You’ll start discovering yourself and The Almighty at large.

    Before you start enquiring about GOD, enquire about your own body,mind and soul and their respective complex charecteristics.

    The truth is you can’t make an omelette without breaking the egg.

  14. Hi theertha

    not everybody is interested in making an omelette. There are people who are vegetarian or vegan.
    If you have the perfect answers why dont you share them with us?

  15. Theertha,

    Would you believe if I said I can’t even make an omlette to save my life:) ? you might want to share the recipie to make an English Omlette I relish the most.
    Sunny side up…u know?

  16. Hi Nisha & Preeti !

    Thanks for your response. I wish I scratched the surface of your brains a bit.

    First things first ! It seems you have tasted the omelette made of a spoilt egg. Just kidding ! I mean you did not exactly get my intention right. The example of breaking the egg and making an omelette has got nothing to do with any culinary activities. I just summed up the total essence of my post in that single line. The insight is that its very tough to understand the world around us unless we understand ourselves.

    The biggest mistake we repeat is that we keep trying to measure so abstract things (sometimes feelings) like happiness,beauty,love,compassion etc., and end up with arguments and counter arguments. The problem is always with our propensity to measure. The moment we get out of measuring and start experiencing these wonderful feelings then there is no requirement for understanding. I don’t know if you are teenagers or married women because that particular status greatly influences one’s perception.

    Now…let’s see how life goes on…if you retrospect a bit what u did as a kid,aged-4 and later as a high school student and still later as a college student and perhaps as a working woman right now, there’s a huge difference in every stage of your life. At every point of time in these particular stages of your life, you just did what you knew at that particular point of time. So is the case with everybody and Suchitra too.

    The point is, can you deny what you did as a kid and condemn yourself now? You just laugh at yourself and feel so good about it. May be sometimes you even feel for missing the kid in you because as a kid you were never burdened by the weight of the intellect,knowledge,ego,wealth,fame,and beauty. You were all by yourself totally lost in that selfless activity of play,joy and fun.

    As you crashed into you teens, the mirror turned into your best friend.You know why???

    ………………… to be continued…

  17. As you crashed into your teens, the mirror turned into your best friend.You know why???

    The foundation for world politics is laid here…!!!

  18. …the story of POWER starts from this juncture. The teenage girl looking at herself in the mirror…!!!
    ……to be continued…,

  19. Hi Nisha,Preeti etc .,

    Good Evening Girlsssss…! (for your friends too,who are following the post I suppose)

    I welcome your enthusiasm and appreciate your interest. Thanks for signalling “Go Ahead!”

    “…….As you crashed into your teens, the mirror turned into your best friend. You know why???
    The foundation for world politics is laid here…!!! …the story of POWER starts from this juncture. The teenage girl looking at herself in the mirror…!!!”

    Before I dwell further, there’s a prelude to this…. The story of baby boys and baby girls who later blossom into men and women-when the mirror becomes the biggest catalyst behind all human endeavours-the good,bad and the ugly.

    Now, just scratch your brains a bit and wake up the memories of your childhood. Let me take you back into the world which you’ve experienced, but do not remember anymore as it is related before you turned 3 or probably 4.

    When babies(both boy & girl) are born, their first play thing is their mother’s bosom. It’s also the source of food for their development and energy replinishment. Its also the place where the baby listens to the beat of the mother’s heart and feels secured. Its the same rhythmic beat the baby was used to, when it was in the womb. When ever the baby cries, she’s fed. It generally cries when its hungry. And….there are two important things that happen during this feeding.
    #1.The baby closes its eyes while sucking the milk and the brain is put to rest from external visual stimuli.
    #2.It keeps listening to the rhythm of the mother’s heart beat so that the ears are engaged without any disturbance from any external sounds.

    Hmmm….you may be wondering why all this his(her)tory? Just get amazed by the ensuing revelation!!!
    Now…you see…whenever you are writing something and suddenly you have a gap, you close your eyes and start sucking the pen or pencil in your hand. Exactly the mirror behavior of a baby. The mother’s nipple is the pencil now acting as a dummy source of energy for your brain. Got It !
    The original science is that nearly 80% of the glucose and oxygen is used up by the brain. Tension and stress further has a telling impact and that’s why many men smoke. The mirror behavior of sucking for milk.

    …….Ushhhhhhhhh….lets touch the toys now. If you’ve ever observed the toys with which baby boys and girls play, you should be wondering at their repective reinforced behaviors in the later stages of their lives. Boys play with cars,trucks,airplanes,machine guns,bow&arrows etc., and almost NEVER WITH DOLLS (more on this later). Lets observe the characteristics of the boy’s toys. The car and the airplane is all about the journey, the occupation of the space…discovering a new territory…which implicitly means, resources. The resources for survival and sustenance. The gun and the bow&arrow is all about targeting and defending…..targeting the enemy and defending the self and the family.
    (Current video games are also mostly about gunfiring,F-16s, tanks, territorial chasing and defending if you keenly observe).

    Girls play with soft toys like teddybears (the alternate mother to sleep with for warmth) and dolls. Now…you see…the baby girl turns into a mother for her doll. She does everything to the doll what the mother does to her. The girl showers the doll, combs its hair,touches it up with makeup, dresses it up with exclusive frocks and gowns. Lo…!!! the born mother. Infact, the baby girl takes so much of pleasure in doing this and starts comparing her doll(s) with the dolls of her friends.

    …………………..wham! that’s her first brush with the concept called “BEAUTY”.
    The question she poses to her mom…” Mummy! Tell me whose doll is beatiful?”

    ……..time passes….as the baby girl kisses her teens, the doll she played with got transformed into a living doll right in front of her eyes !!! …in the mirror !!!

    zzzzzz…zzzz…zz..z.

    Interesting…. no?

    should I continue? Please reply……

  20. ……..the teen-boy for the first time in his life starts realizing the amazing qualities of the dolls he has never played with!!!……..

  21. Uff…fff…ffff…..grammatical errors, spelling mistakes…..pardon me…..brain…..hung up!

  22. I don’t know how to react to this.But can I ask a question? It’s ok,fine,boy meets girl or girl meets boy and they become friends.But what if love blooms in any of the hearts? It is possible.It’s not always the boy who falls for his friend but it can be the other way around.

    Love is something that cannot be controlled or checked.If it has to happen it will happen.So,why did you feel betrayed there? You just needed to talk the matter over with him,make him understand what is right and wrong. I don’t know about your friend.May be you were true,that it was really cheap of him to react the way he did when he found out you were single but believe me Suchitra, love sometimes makes its way through friendship and there is no harm in that.A simple no can solve the problem but feeling betrayed when a friend confesses love is something that I disagree with.

  23. BRRRRRRiliant stuff… i BOW to ur wrintin+imaginary skill…. awesome…give me links to ur blogs

  24. i dont know whether it’s your imagination… but you have failed to understand people and love!

  25. I second tapas here…its almost like equating love with sex…sex isnt evil btw…although some people may look upon it as that ..as a consequence of a theological/victorial more influence…but the only problem i saw here was that he tried to force himself upon you..suppose he should’ve given his words a chance…

  26. This is soo true and as far as my experience is concerned, guys always try to do something unexpected when we think they are our best friends and trust them to sharing all our secrets…its better to keep them in limits…but not all guys are like that…even then i maintain my distance with guys…

  27. I believe every girl must have had such experiences in her life……I wonder how can a male forget the repercussions and places his offer, I m sure such moments leave females to questions themselves…

  28. The “cliche that all men think of sex most of the time ” may be correct or I think, as a casual distraction too perhaps. There are no rules in matters of the heart. The boy-girl thing is about who is more sure-footed.

    There are good friends irrespetive of boy/girl. After situations or relations mature there is may not be place for infatuation. Is Theertha not coming back to the post!

  29. All,

    There is an important aspect that you all are missing…..As suchitra has already shared there are 2 of his men buddies who have made ugly gestures towards her from many male friends. The question is why have the others not done the same thing ??? What was so unique about these 2 guys ???

    Is it that sub-consciously suchitra was giving out mixed signals ???? Quite possible & thats for her to decide/act !!!!!

  30. Welcome to the world of single ladies Suchitra.
    This is the story fo my life too. I’m 28 going on 29, single with a decent job. Most of my female friends are married. So for some men that puts me in a bad light. Specially Indian men. Many male friends with whom I have had a completely platonic bond, turn up on me.
    They want to talk on the phone late nights, send messages, send wierd IM’s.
    This used to bother me a lot and I went into a shell thinking that ‘am i giving the wrong kind of signals’ .. ‘am i the one who looks like a slut and they want a piece of me’ … this happened several times and I just concluded that Men are Dogs. Not all but most of ’em.

    I used to be the one who never got along with girls while growing up. I was a tomboy who always used to be around boys, talking filth, studyin together and sharing secrets. Today i find myself with girls and I hardly have any male friends left, just because they are DOGS !

  31. Dear Ms. SM
    Ms. Suchitra’s Mr. X’s behavioural pattern only illustrates that there are many facets to the way man approaches friendship with a woman. Proabably, he was ever enamoured of her, the manifestations of which, either he camaflouged (she being married and he being decent; if he were indecent, the fear of losing her company would have restrained him) or even if he gave vent to his ardency in subtler ways, she couldn’t have given any credence to his emanations of love either because her own lack of sexual interest in him failed to pick up the signals or she could not have countenanced him as a possible rival to her man.
    But with her man out of her life, Mr. X had imagined the possibilities but failed to factor her possible lack of sexual interest in him while forcing himself upon her. Maybe, he was aware of her lack of sexual interest in him as otherwise he would have treid to seduce her in the glow of their friendship. Or his suppressed desires might have spurted out goaded by Zola’s dictum that ‘love increases in proportion to the possibility of possession’. Friendship between man and woman, which Napolean averred would lead to love, is still possible if the man, or the woman for that matter, is not sexually attracted to the other in the equation. A little understanding of human sexuality would help women and men (there is no dearth of jilted lovers in them) as well to lead the ship of life in the turbulence that is man-woman relationships.
    Regards,
    BS Murthy

  32. Hey Suchitra,

    Don’t want to offend you but I’ve faced the reverse. A very good friend of mine pounced on me once after a lunch meeting. She is a really attractive woman and it was hard to turn her down. And by the way she was married so it was even more weird.

    I’ve noticed lot of women have this notion ( including my wife to be ) that it’s always the man who does these silly things but i beg to differ.

    Human beings of both the sexes have similar urges. Its just that some men/women can’t control them while the others can.

    Hope this never happens with you again because you lost a friend.

    Abhishek

  33. “Like with this great friend of mine-lets call him X- he dropped in at my studio like he has done a million times before over the years. Only this time it was different. He stood in my path, grabbed and held me and wouldnt let me go till i was almost suffocating. I tried my best to wriggle out of his grasp but could not-I pride myself on being pretty strong but my strenght that day was of no use. Now he’s the mildest and most decent guy on this planet -as I’ve known him over the years ,but still i found myself afraid and shocked that day.”

    Just a thought – I think you may be confusing two issues. Wouldn’t you have had the same reaction if he hadn’t been a friend of yours to begin with? Wouldn’t you have a different reaction if he had just sat down and explained his feelings to you and you had declined them? I’ve been in that boat and believe me, it’s possible to remain friends after a good conversation. Conversation – mind you. I don’t know what kind of men you like but I suspect it’s not someone who just grabs you. In that case, what may be bothering you more than anything is how he betrayed your trust. That has nothing to do with the nature of friendship – it has all to do with him. Clearly he doesn’t know how to handle himself. You are better off without him, but don’t be disillusioned. My life is living proof that you can be friends with girls, you can be more to someone, you can be less to someone, but you can always draw the line.

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